It has been seven hours since I sat, jaded, on my work station. My mind is shrinking away from thoughts that remind me of pain and gloom. The surroundings...so still and quiet as office mates desert their own places after a work's done, left me with more corners where boredom creeps in.
My workplace has emulated a pace of heaven and hell. Less pressure on weekends but more like the latter on weekdays...stressful, over-demanding, disappointing. It's like a big window where outside your dream stares at you yet it is so distant..unreachable for a while..I was lost in thoughts. "Saving forever for you..." there were series of words, scenarios parading inside my head. My friend, sitting just right beside me was singing the song and it interrupted my reverie, somewhat a snap back in reality. I am LSS with the song. I mean we, since I recently noticed how everyone is desperately humming the song without an end "You are the only one I ever give forever to..." as if it would bring that dreamy love to life.
Seven years ago, I experienced the kind of love I wanted myself to feel...pure, deep and true. I was one of the freshmen then and he was a junior. My college years, I must say, were perfect since I used to be a freshman AB Communication Arts stude who transferred to that school, I've got the spotlight focused on me. Some found my way abnormal. I was a freshman sitting in to LAw4 instead of enrolling to my LAW1 subject. Then one busy school day, I saw him like I never laid eyes to anyone in the school. He has almond eyes that pierced right through you when he stares and has hair that dances with the wind. He is tall, 6" I guess. I wondered then how it felt like to be standing beside a man who was stalked by all admiring eyes. I wondered forever.
Have you ever got the feeling like you were comforted with clouds? It was mid day then. I remember myself staring down the banister looking after him. He was standing beside his maroon car under the sturdy swaying Indian tree. Right now, It was still clear how terrible the feeling was way back then. It was awful. I was there standing lost, trying to hold my heart in place while he was there living unaware of my presence. On his every waking hour, our world seemed to fully astray yet all the more I fell in love with him. The school parking lot had been a very pensive poignant rendezvous I've ever known in my entire life. I used to pass that way everyday then since it connects the main building and the library. It was like an endless traipse of pain. I get my heart broken everyday and whenever I sat on that crowded library, I camouflaged a bookworm thriving a worn-out heart. Beside the lot resides the opened-wall pantry. It's even sadder when I got to see those Indian trees standing side by side and how magnificent they were when rain fell on them but much more wonderful when it started to paint his shadow on a rare sunny day.
My junior year came quite fast. We became classmates in one of my marketing classes while sitting two seats apart. The hours were longer than my usual subjects since the class only had Saturdays then. I loved Saturdays only that it was incredibly painful to be just inches away with him yet felt so distant. It was a grand chance for me though to ever sat on that room and study him all for myself. I memorized the way he laughed and how his brows poetically curved into a sudden thought. His lips were like oasis that produced reluctant flow of words. I was puzzled as how I could stand so strong beside him and have knees that trembled all at the same time. My heart beats too loud yet love was so silent he could not even hear a single beat. I fancied him and all the loopholes God gave the guy. He was a detail from the past etched until the future.
I don't know why but for some unknown reason, it always rained then. It was mesmerizing specially the part where the rain fell on a velvety leaf until the leaf slowly deserted the stem. Ironically, there was not a single chance in the past when I thought of just opening my hands and learning to take it easy on myself. I never let go then no matter how the feeling crippled a portion of myself. I was right. Rain drops were like needles where my heart was a cushion. On that same year, July was already a senior. I had his conversing eyes drawn inside my mind to maintain the thin line of happiness days after the parting. It was not a stupid idea masochistic enough to define me. Inexplicably, the more I recognized that I was in love with him, the more I felt better of myself. Maybe, what made it so special was that it was one-sided...too far from the used-to-it syndrome or neither returning the favor. It was this feeling that the love came from the heart, thrived from my soul. I wanted to hold on as long as I can. I've taken all my chances...all of them.
***
A few month's back, a friend asked me whether I've known unconditional love. "Never" I answered. Then I was lip sealed. Damn, how can I not expound on an answer I have given. I didn't know myself being tacit. Indifference. Days after, while I was walking off from work, It hit me. I realized I have found the great love every one of us should have in our lifetime. The thing is, it does not necessarily ends happy. I don't remember anymore how I've gotten over him. Maybe a gallivanting heart helps. I still recognize his face though, whenever I bump into some things that belonged to his world..continuously shaking my foundations down:(
Then one boring day, I was able to chat with an old college friend. "I've got bad news.." She said. "He got married, I know." I typed. I can't remember how the conversation ended but I found myself shortly after, peaking through the guy's face book account. Everything confirmed the reality I've tried to ignore for so long since I heard the news of him getting married...
and I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss..."
" the way that your fingers run through my hairand how your scent lingers even when you're not there.."
"I like the way your eyes dance when you laugh,and how you enjoy your two- hour bath...
and how you convince me to dance through the rain while
everyone's watching like we were insane..."
